Family Chat: Parenting a Child that’s Bullied and Creating Safe Spaces as a Teacher with My Mom, Jasmin Almonte

In this episode, my mom is back to talk about parenting a child that’s experiencing bullying, how she creates safe spaces in her classroom and more.

Summary

In this “On the Outside” episode, host Taylor Rae and her mother Jasmin Almonte discuss their experiences with bullying and social exclusion, and how these experiences influenced them. Taylor, who also teaches in prisons, and Jasmin draw similarities between their past experiences and their commitment to establish safe and welcoming classroom environments. They underline the need to respect each individual's unique identity. The conversation ends with advice for parents and teachers about the significance of emotional support, resilience development, and understanding the difficulties children and young adults face. The episode emphasizes the critical role parents and teachers can play in shaping children's experiences and the importance of fostering supportive environments for all children.

Transcription

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Hello. Welcome back. My name is Taylor Rae. This is another episode of “On the Outside”. Welcome back friend here. We have another Family Chat. And once again, I have my mom on the show, Jasmin Almonte. You got to meet her last week in our family chat. And this week we are talking about a few things we're talking about what it was like for me growing up as someone that was bullied, especially in relation to how my parents dealt with that.

What it was like for my mom, parenting a child that was being left out and what my mom does in her classroom as a teacher to try and create a safe, welcoming and loving space. I talk a little bit about the kind of classroom I try to create in my classes when I teach inside of prisons and a couple other things get thrown in there as they always do. I hope you enjoy this episode.

And thank you as always for being here. Let's get into it on the podcast today. I'm really excited to talk to you about what it was like from your perspective. But I'll also obviously share mine about parenting a child that feels like an outsider. I think that so many parents, I'm sure deal with this because so many people deal with feeling like they're on the outside.

So many kids, you know, better than me as a teacher. So many kids feel like they're different or they're not included or they get bullied or they're not invited and as world's best mom in my humble opinion. sorry, I think that hearing about what that was like for you and I'm sure it wasn't as easy for you as I think it was in my mind. I'm like, oh my mom just had all the answers and knew how to do it and was great.

But I'm sure it's not easy in the moment when you see your child not invited, not included all those things. So for me, what I remember most is I remember seeing a video in maybe middle school or elementary school and in our health classes, we would see videos that were about all different topics like disordered eating or, you know, stranger danger or just like all these different topics and these videos must have been made in like 1962.

They looked a K jillion years old and there was one and it was talking about bullying and it was showing kids at recess and it put the word on the screen, ostracize and it was like, ostracized means that you're left out and blah, blah blah. And I remember thinking, oh, that's me. I am being ostracized and I remember seeing that word and seeing that video and being like, yeah, that's what it is because it wasn't really kids like shouting names at me or like, you know, beating me up, but it

was not being invited to the parties, not being invited to the sleepovers, everyone going on someone's bus home and me not being invited. all those things and what I really remember is you and dad always being there always, always like sleeping next to me cuddling me when I was crying, you know, sitting on the bathroom floor if I was in the shower, crying, like being there building me up, going to the movies with me or the boardwalk or wherever, like doing stuff with me. yeah, you guys were always there but I'm sure it was also really hard for you to like see that happen.

Jasmin Almonte

Right. Right. Yeah. No, absolutely. I mean, as a parent, whatever your child goes through, you, you go through it with them. you know, you growing up first of all, from New York, we moved to New Jersey and that's where you were born and you were born in the suburbs. Unfortunately. Yes. And a predominantly white area. And, of course, you know, we think we're giving our child a better life than the one we had.

You know, meanwhile, you know, I mean, the South Bronx the projects. That's where I grew up and it was amazing. Times had changed, we thought that's the way to go. They'll have a backyard. you know, you'll get, you know, it'll just be better. We thought and, and I, I think in the long run it was actually better. but I know that a lot of the feeling left out definitely stemmed from the fact that everyone was predominantly white except for us.

So one of the ways that it was easy for me to connect with you and help you through that journey is because I was also for the first time. I mean, I came from the South Bronx from, you know, the Bronx Manhattan, New York, Puerto Rico to Puerto Rico and then found myself in New Jersey with a bunch of white people. So I also felt left out a lot of times, you know, with neighbors and, and family gatherings or parents that did things.

And so, you know, you don't realize, but you kind of what you're going through I was going through in a different way but similar, you know, I'm Puerto Rican, your father's Dominican, you know, and here we are not just our neighborhood but the whole town basically. And here you are going to school and you had friends, they were just sucky friends, but you had friends, you had friends and if you were invited somewhere, you went to the whatever it was, but then felt left out.

So, you know, a lot of times I had to suppress the, the anger because it would obviously upset me to the point that do I need to speak to this kid's parent or, you know, like, you know, you start to feel like you wanna hurt somebody because they're hurting my kid. I mean, really, but at the same time, you know, one thing that your father and I, we did a lot of things, right?

As a team, your father and I, and one thing we did really well is become parents. We were both on the same page with parenting and from the time you were little, we let you show us who you were, we didn't make you who we wanted you to be. You showed us because I believe Children are born with who they are. So let them show you who they are. And so we really wanted to nourish that and help you grow and be who you were born to be.

And in the process because we really knew you. I think that's why we worked so well hanging out together and you didn't feel like wow, I'm a loser. I'm hanging out with my parents because we're pretty cool parents to tell the truth. But, you know, I think we just did things together and yes, like I said, there were plenty of times that you went out with your friends and did things with your friends, but they just weren't good friends. And you know, the thing is that I knew they weren't and I knew that you knew that they weren't, but I also knew how important it was to you to feel included.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

I mean, at that stage two of I was just talking to Glenn about this. Shout out to Glenn therapist, Glen as always, I was just talking to Glenn about this about how like just it's a, it's a developmental stage. Like you care so much about being part of the in group and being included when you're a preteen into a teenager. That's like everyone's life is that's so important.

So of course, yeah, I definitely did want to be included and I would always go if I was invited. But I also obviously do remember the times of like, do you remember you remember the time? It was like New Year's and I was doing my hair forever, like waiting and waiting and waiting for my friends to text me and then they text me at like 10 and they were like, yeah, we're all sleeping here, sleeping over here.

But like, you know, if you come now you have to take a taxi home by yourself because this girl's mom said that she can't have any more people sleeping over. And I it was New Year's Eve and it was like 1030 at night, they finally let me know and I'd been texting them for hours.

Jasmin Almonte

Right. And, and you know, those times because that, that didn't only happen once. That's probably the time you remember the most. But it's like I knew what the outcome was gonna be. A lot of times I would see the time just like you were going through your anxiety, you know, being concerned about how the outcome would be. I kind of felt like I knew how the outcome would be because I already knew that your friends were not, you know, someone that you could really count on and I would even talk to your dad about it. Listen, in case this doesn't come through because here it is, look at the time and I would see how you would be stressed. And so we were kind of already equipped to be there for you and to support you. because what we saw, you know, at that age, you don't see things the way your parents do obviously not.

And I would tell you Taylor, my friends from junior high school and high school, I don't even know where they are. They're not even part of my life. They're really not that important, but at the time they just, they are.=

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

What advice do you think you would give? I mean, even to me for when I become a parent someday, but what advice would you give to parents who especially pulling from all of the kids that you see in working with, you know, probably thousands of kids, if not tens of thousands by now. Like so many. What? Yeah, what advice would you give to parents about how to parent a kid that feels like they're an outsider?

Jasmin Almonte

You know, of course, you know, I, when I have, like, parent teacher and I, and parents come in and I have the room and I have their attention. I tell them how important it is to give your kids, you know, life tools. It's not all about academics. Academics are important, but at the end of the day, I mean, kids are like sponges, they absorb everything you tell them and teach them.

So being a teacher for me is not all about, you know, the letters and the numbers and colors and shapes and, you know, all that stuff is great. But at the end of the day, I, I like to immediately let my kids know that they matter that they don't need to get fixed, that I'm going to embrace who they are when they walk into the room. You know, just the other day I was having a grumpy day like I tell my kids and I apologized to my class.

These are kids that are turning four or four years old and one of the girls in my class said, wow, teachers never apologized to me before. And I said I'm apologizing because I don't like the tone of voice I had this morning. I didn't really like the way I was talking to you guys. I was kind of impatient and I think giving them the respect they deserve because that's how I get the respect back. Just letting them know that they matter, their voice needs to be heard, they need to be seen.

We want our kids to be perfect but we're not, you know, so it's just so unfair what a lot of us expect from our kids when we don't even have that ourselves. So I do tell my parents, you know, please, let's set our kids up to succeed. Let's start with letting them know that they're amazing and they're great just the way they are. I think it's just being seen is it just goes such a long way. I mean, they have the same needs we have, they're just younger.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Yeah, because I, I mean, I feel like that sounds a lot simpler than you would.

Jasmin Almonte

It, it is so simple. We complicate life and life isn't as complicated as we think. And as I get older, simple is so great. Why complicate things? It really isn't this magic thing that we do and just, you know, put yourself in their shoes. That helps a lot when you were a kid. What adult did you need in your life? What teacher do you wish you had? What would have helped you throughout your childhood, they go through the same things.

We went through the bullying, the feeling left out that you went through. A lot of kids go through that. Yeah, absolutely. I learned, I actually learned how to be a better teacher through you. Being a parent helps you be better, not just with your kid, but with other people's kids as well.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

I, I, I mean, I feel like at least everyone that I'm friends with now as an adult talks about being bullied, being left out all this stuff as a kid. There's, it's very rare that I know someone that's like I had a great easy peasy time growing up and I was super, you know, I was included and it was slay and I loved it. Like it is pretty rare. I think everyone hopes that for their kid wants, that wants them to have the smoothest, you know, experience in school especially.

I think it must be so nerve wracking, especially to be a new parent and like, put your child in school. That feels insane. But yeah, I think that is great advice. It is as simple as that. So many people experience it. You probably experienced it.

Jasmin Almonte

Yeah, absolutely. It's not, we're not, you know, reinventing the wheel here. Hu humanity what we go through. There's, there's bullies to this, you know, I hate to think there'll always be bullies, but unfortunately there are people that have been hurt it really stems from our childhood, I believe.

Jasmin Almonte, Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

And everyone doesn't go to therapy, everyone doesn't do the work, everyone doesn't do the healing process and everyone doesn't have someone to write to support them.

Jasmin Almonte

Exactly. Exactly. A lot of people don't have support. That's why kindness goes such a long way. Even if it's someone you don't really know, you know, even just smiling at a stranger sometimes that's as good as it gets for some people. So, you know, I, and I, and I share all of this with my kids. You think they're little, they don't know, they're so smart kids are resilient and, and they really, they really, and they remember everything you say.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

And I mean, I'm thinking about when you were saying that you've you know, learned so much from your kids and from your students. That is such a big part of what I take away from the classes that I teach in the prison. We always say that we teach and are taught by our students. That's kind of like our, one of our mottos in the program because being a teacher is so much about that reciprocal relationship.

So many teachers. I mean, I had a million teachers, you know, that were just, I'm the boss like, you know, in Matilda when it's like, “I'm big, you're small, I'm smart, you're dumb.” Miss Trunchbull makes them repeat that. That is what so many teachers come in.

Jasmin Almonte, Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Fortunately, they come in with that, which is hard breaking.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

And so that's what they want. But when you come in and you're like, what's up? We're eye to eye. I know about this thing that I'm teaching you but you know a lot about a bunch of other stuff that, like, wow, I can't wait to learn from you. I'm going to teach you about this topic and, like, I'm sure I'm going to get something back and having that relationship with your kid with your student.

Like I think that's so important. Yeah, it really is. I'm a good, I, whenever I teach my classes, I literally just pretend I'm you. Like when, like when I'm calling attention to everyone, I literally remember you when you were in charge of the summer camp and you would like call everyone and be like, all right, everyone eyes on me and I'm like, I'm literally just being mom.

Jasmin Almonte

Well, you know what goes a long way too, which we don't realize but remembering names. So I remember all my kids names and I remember names of Children that are, they've never been in my class. Parents know me because I know their children's names and they even ask when is my child gonna be in your class?

I know every child's name in my school. I can literally say that. Of course, the Y MC A, we have thousands of kids, but I knew most of the kids names. Yeah, knowing someone's name it really, that's such a good point.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

I, 100% agree with that. I try very much. Obviously it is. You know, there are a lot of differences between the classes I teach the classes you teach. But inside of most prisons and especially in metropolitan detention center, the men, I teach the men, there's also women there. But, the men only go by their last name. So for me to be saying their first name, I might be the only person that has said their first name to them in a very long time.

And so I know every single one of my students names, that's so important to me. I think, I mean, it really ties back to the first thing you said, being, seeing someone goes a long way, totally, really seeing them and really just being attuned to that specific person. Right? Is, I mean, that's really everything. Yeah.

Jasmin Almonte

And I've had parents that tell me, well, what's, what's my, what's it gonna look like my child in your classroom? Because like you said, it's very stressful for parents to put a child in, in school. And I tell them, you know what, the first two weeks I just got to get to know your child. They were like the first two weeks I said, yeah, it takes at least two weeks for me to figure out, you know, what are they about?

Yeah, because you know what I create this little community in my classroom. I told them this is not my classroom, this is our classroom. You know, and they take a lot of pride in their classroom and they are very independent and, yeah, it's a lot of, it's like a family feeling. Yeah.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

You know, in my mind I'm like, oh, I want to be in your class but even better, I get you to be my mom.

Jasmin Almonte

There you go. Absolutely.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

That is our show for today. I always learn something new from my mom and I hope that you did too next week. Sadly is our last episode together. Me and my mom, but then we got some more family chats coming at you for the rest of the season with some other people that I love very much as always. See you out there.