Family Chat: A Time My Mom Felt Like An Outsider With Jasmin Almonte

In this episode, my mom shares a story about a time when she felt like an outsider.

Summary

In this Family Chat, Taylor and her mother, Jasmin Almonte, discusses her experiences with discrimination and feelings of being an outsider. Highlighting one specific incident when she worked in a predominantly white hair salon, Jasmin recounts how a client displayed racism due to her own ignorance and privilege. Despite initial anger, Jasmin decided to handle the situation professionally, leading to the client's apology and a second chance. Jasmin shared this personal story on the podcast, emphasizing the importance of personal growth, cultural education, and resilience in the face of racism.

Transcription

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Hello. Hello, welcome back. My name is Taylor Rae and this is another Family Chat. Ok, friend. This is the final week with my mom, Jasmin Almonte on the show. And today she tells us a story about a time when she felt like an outsider. Now, I want to preface this story by saying one, I absolutely actually love this story. I think it was just such a great example of so many things that we talk about on this show.

I do want to say that this is definitely one of those moments that I really do feel like I'm inviting you to come sit at my kitchen table with me and my family. I say that especially in this episode because we're speaking pretty frankly about these situations when especially folks from marginalized groups get together, whether it's family members, cousins, friends.

There is kind of an un spoken understanding in many ways of the kinds of discrimination that we experience in our day to day life. I might get a look from someone and I instantly know that that is deeply rooted in this implicit bias that they seem to have against me. I walk into a store and I'm followed because I am a black woman in an expensive store and the worker wants to make sure that I don't steal something that's happened to me multiple times in my life.

I walk into a room and people are wondering why I'm there. They're wondering how I got here and what the explanation is that someone like me might be in this space and if you're not a part of these kinds of experiences, then I've definitely had so so so many times where people kind of want to deny that that is the truth of the situation. They want to give excuses like, oh no, they didn't mean that in a racist way or no, they didn't mean that in this kind of way.

And I really encourage you as you listen to this episode to try and put those things aside because racist ideologies do not need defending, they don't need protecting and they definitely don't need your help in us learning how to cope with them because we cope with them every single day. It's how we get through our day to day life in a world that is steeped in white supremacy.

That is what our society is. And that is the truth of the matter, especially here in America where racial capitalism is just our norm. Sadly, and unfortunately, so while I had so much fun recording this episode with my mom while listening to it back I definitely wanted to throw it out there that you should do a little check in with yourself. If you feel especially for my white folks and friends and allies and listeners and learners that are on the other end of this speaker, do a little

check in with yourself. Maybe think about what white fragility means to you. White fragility is the discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person. When confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice, you may feel that you're being attacked, you might feel uncomfortable, you might want to make excuses for the situation.

But I really encourage you that if you're here and you're listening to my podcast and if you know anything about me, you know, that my hope is to always hold space for everyone to hold space for the questions that feel kind of icky and sticky and uncomfortable to hold space for the information that might feel nerve wracking. And I think this is one of those moments where you can hold space for this really great story that my mom is about to tell and I'm simultaneously holding space for you to kind of sit with those feelings and marinate on what they might mean for you. So I think this is such a great episode. Thanks for being here as always, let's get into it on today's episode. My mom the best, the notorious I is notorious is notorious being good.

Yeah, I feel like notorious can be good. But what? Oh infamous is the one that's like, not good. Ok, so my mom, the notorious, the iconic, the star studded the gorge, the fab Jasmine Almonte is, I think this is the first episode. I actually say your name.

Jasmin Almonte

Now people know what my name. People know what it is.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

There you go. Jasmin Almonte is going to share an outsider story or two. Who knows? We'll take it as we go, we'll be surprised. Her outsider story is with us because every guest has shared a little bit about themselves and I think I love hearing them even, I mean, some of them are hard to hear. Some of them are really devastating, but I think that kind of experience is so human and a lot of us can really connect to that feeling. So lay it on me. Mom hit me with a story.

Jasmin Almonte

Ok? Well, one story that really stands out for me was like I said before, I was a hairdresser in New York for many years, moved to New Jersey. Commuting didn't make sense. Especially once you were born. I just wanted to tuck you in and be with you and spend time with you, waited till I was 33 to have you. So pretty sure I'm gonna enjoy you. So I started I became a hairstylist in New Jersey.

I was the only Puerto Rican women of color in the whole salon. And that was different because when I worked in New York, that wasn't the case. But anyway, this woman walks in, it was a request her appointment, she requested me by name. So Jasmine your clients in. I said, great, went up front, brought her up to my chair to give her a consultation because that's the way it worked.

And she goes, excuse me. But are you Jasmine? And I said, yes, I am. Why? And she said, oh, all right. Now, I'm just a little confused again living in New Jersey in an area that was predominantly white. I already knew I had already that feeling of feeling like an outsider, not because of my, not because of you Taylor or because of your father, but because of my own experiences of knowing, you know, everywhere I worked, everywhere I went shopping, all of my neighbors, my surroundings,

everyone was predominantly white really. And that was very different to me. So when she questioned you, Jasmine, that immediately was what came to mind. I thought this white woman is wondering, well, wait a minute, Jasmine. I didn't know that you were like a woman of color. That's what came to mind. And I said, well, you requested me and she said, I understand, but I never met you before.

And you cut, you know, one of my friend's hair and you did an amazing job and I wanted you to cut my hair but, and I said, well, is there a problem? So I could see she felt uncomfortable when I asked her that, I didn't feel hurt. I actually felt angry and she said, well, I thought Jasmine was a male. I've never had a female cut my hair. And I said, oh, no, not Jasmine being a man.

Not that, not that not a man named Jasmine. So I said, OK, we're gonna go with that. So I gave her consultation was not happy. And again told her I just want you to know we have amazing hairstylists here. I will not feel offended in any way if you would like someone else to cut your hair like a male that's not named Jasmine. And no, no, no, no. I want you to cut my hair because my friend.

So and so her hair looked amazing and I want you to cut my hair because you do amazing work. And I said, OK, so I send my assistant to go wash your hair. I go to the staff room to compose myself because I'm already kind of mad that I have to deal with this. She's already made it awkward for me and uncomfortable, but ok, so I go back to my chair. She's had her hair washed.

I'm hoping that the conversation goes a different direction because I am gonna cut this woman's hair. I do have scissors in my hands and I begin to cut her hair and she says, where are you from? I said, oh, no, we're going there. Ok, let's do that. Where are you from? And I said, where am I from? What do you mean? Because now I'm gonna ask her a question with every question to make her uncomfortable.

And she says, well, now I just wondered because you look so exotic. Yes, we're going down that road. And I said, and we're talking, this is the nineties. So we're talking maybe 95. And this is what she tells me. And I said exotic. I don't know what that means because again, I wanna make her uncomfortable and make her have to explain herself. And she says, well, you know, you, you know, you look, you know, you're so beautiful and just, you know, your skin there it is.

And, I don't know, you just look, you know, just really exotic and, you know, like, and I'm waiting for the word mulatto because I'm like, it's coming up any minute now it's coming up because I've had that one before. So I said, she goes, well, you just speak English really? Well, I said, wow, ok. I said, I don't understand how I'm not supposed to know how to speak English.

So am I supposed to speak, like with a broken accent? Am I supposed to not know how to speak English? Like, and she, I said, you know, you're really making me uncomfortable. I don't think I'm the person that should be cutting your hair and she goes, no, no, no, I'm so sorry. Oh my God. No, that's not what I meant. You know, I feel so stupid. I'm trying to say all the right things and I'm saying all the wrong things and I said, let's do this.

If you really want me to cut your hair, let's not talk anymore. Let's let's go down that route. I really need you to not speak to me anymore or I promise you that I will not be cutting your hair today. And she said, OK, I just, I'm so sorry. She sat in my chair, of course, her face looked all red and hot and heated and her eyes looked all teary and whatever.

I cut her hair. And I said to myself, you know what, I'm gonna give her such a great haircut and I'm never cutting her hair again. That's what I'm gonna do. So, you know, I didn't realize it then, but I went high when she went low. I do, I did for you and I cut her hair, finished her hair, did all the things. She wanted to do this Thank you thing and I said, excuse me, but I'm running late so I gotta go.

So I went to the staff room, I was fuming whoever was in the staff room knew that I was fuming and knew the conversation. I had had and I was talking about the fact that the lady that sat in my chair was a racist. And these are the things that she told me and she's never sitting in my chair again. So you guys gotta make sure I told the girl at the front desk, make sure you put a big star next to her name.

Don't ever put it in my chair again. And, she left a tip at the front desk and I didn't want the tip. I didn't want the tip. I didn't want to see her again. And I was kind of done. make a long story short. She ended up sending a card, an apology card to the salon. I received the card, in the card, she told me that, she was born in this world in a bubble that she didn't know better that she didn't realize the way she came across that she hated the way she spoke to me that it's haunted her that it was

horrible for her once she got home once she shared with family and friends how the conversation went and how she was mortified, just mortified and totally understood if I never wanted to cut her hair again, but she really wanted to apologize not only by card, but she really would love to stop by son and literally tell me sorry what happened in person.

She wanted to come to Sloan and say she was so sorry. And I, she couldn't, she couldn't just say enough how sorry she was. So make, you know, I, I prayed on it because this is what I do. Pray on it, meditated on it. Journaled, it pretty sure I journaled one of my journals has to have this amazing story. But anyway, make a long story short once again.

She came to the song in my heart. I felt, you know what? There are people out there that just don't know any better. They just don't, no one's told them any better. I knew her address. I knew that the part of New Jersey, she lived in extremely wealthy, old money, very white. you know, they probably hire people of color to do their, you know, the nanny or the gardener or the, and I knew that because I used to do a lot of, you know, I used to work in people's homes, they used to send me their driver and I would go to their home. I was familiar with this town where she lives and, so that she came, my heart told me, you know what? I don't think she, I really don't think she knew better. Well, you know, I ended up meeting her outside because she was just crying hysterical at the door and I stepped outside to talk to her. and we did have a conversation and she did tell me, you know, I was raised by parents that obviously were racist, jasmine.

I wanna do better. I don't want, you know, my kids actually try to help educate me. They do have friends of color, they go away to college. You know, I, I wanna be a better person. My Children were mortified. Like mom, what do you, what, what did you do? This woman was older than me and she actually became my client, she became my client. I actually did her daughter's one of her daughter's hair for her wedding.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Whoa. That took a twist. I did not know it was gonna go there.

Jasmin Almonte

It, it took, it took a twist and it taught me some people have a kind heart and they just don't know better because of the way they were raised, but they're willing, they want to be better.

Jasmin Almonte, Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

I always felt like it's not my job to teach you like google it, like figure it out, like get it together like, you know, which is educate yourself, which is not a fully girls that feel like that.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

That's OK girl, you can feel like that but also love a moment to turn it around.

Jasmin Almonte

Have I always been able to turn, turn it around? Absolutely not. That was a story that just ended on a high note. And you know, it, it softens my heart because most people that came at me at a way that was racist.

I just was really angry and usually lashed out, you know.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roma

The moment that you talked about, I think, me and Richard actually had a conversation about this really early on into dating because he was saying that he met, par, parents of a friend and that he knew right away that they just, like, weren't listening to anything he had to say. And he was like, and I knew it was because I was Asian and everyone else in that room was white.

And when, you know, you know, and I think there are so many, I mean, if you listen to this podcast, I think, you know, that it is, if you are a white person that these conversations are new to you, it is going to test the, you know, your quote unquote white fragility. It is going to test those. It is going to like, oh, this feels uncomfortable. I don't really love this feeling. But, you know, when you are a nonwhite person in that space and I would even say like my friends that are trans, my friends that are non binary, my friends that may dress or present themselves in a way that contradicts the stereotypical norms. They also, they, you know, they would also very much agree with this when you just know the way someone like instantly looks at you or instantly talks to you, you know that they're, they don't have to call you a slur for you to be like, oh you're racist. Like, you just know, I agree.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Yes. And if you've never had that feeling, you may think, I mean, how many, at this point, how many movies TV shows do you see people? Like, no, they didn't mean anything wrong. But, you know, when you're in it, you know, thanks for sharing that outsider story with us mom. That was a good one. You twisted, you turned and it, and it ended with a happy ending for all.

OK. This story had so many twists and turns and I'm shocked that this was actually a new one for me. Like I have not heard this story from my mom before. I loved this story for a few reasons. But one that I want to know is that specific moment that my mom discussed having the decision to either set the boundary of I don't want to have a relationship with this person anymore because I don't need to constantly continue to validate my humanity to them, to set my standards of appropriate things to say and not to say to me, she could have made the decision to set that boundary or she could have made the decision to take on the emotional labor required to educate ongoing, which is what happens when you create a relationship with someone that doesn't really seem to know that much about what it's like to live in your shoes. In this example, my mom decided to create that relationship. But I thought it was really important that she highlighted that that hasn't always been the case that there's been many other times she did decide to set that boundary, which is absolutely appropriate and absolutely something that you, my listener might have experienced it yourself. I thought this was a really, really cool episode and I'm sad. It's my last one with my mom. Maybe she'll be back in season two. Who knows? Thanks as always for being here and that's our show. See you out there.